16.4.09

Self-Headslapping

I wanna rant about myself. Yea', I can pick on myself, too. Why do I keep feeding my addictions? I am addicted to so many things and although these addictions are not hard drugs or alcohol, I still keep them alive. I was addicted to Burn and I can't deny that when I see a can of Burn, I feel a visceral need to drink. That drink is poison and when I used to drink two/day, along with cola and coffee, and my liver eventually pressed the alarm button, and still contemplated the idea, I felt like headslapping myself.



I don't quit smoking. I know that smoking "can kill", but I smoke like a Turk. Well, maybe not like a Turk [Abby makes me talk like this], but definitely like a heavy smoker. I feel like headslapping myself.



I fall for the wrong men. ALL THE TIME. Even now. They are either married, dead, far away, not interested, interested but not in a relationship, committed, drawings [yes I liked a drawing once], serial killers, rockstars, players, assholes, etc. Is it just me or some people are somehow destined to fall only for the wicked and the wrong ones? I feel like headslapping myself.



I have a "slight" narcissistic personality disorderproblem, disorder seems too bad. That implies:

  • has a grandiose sense of self-importance [APPLIES]
  • is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love [APPLIES]
  • believes that he or she is "special". [APPLIES]
  • requires excessive admiration [SEMI-APPLIES, I don't need it excessively]
  • has a sense of entitlement [APPLIES]
  • is interpersonally exploitative [SEMI-APPLIES]
  • lacks empathy [SEMI-APPLIES]
  • is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her [APPLIES in the first case]
  • shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes [APPLIES in my mood swings]

The minute that I see an unknown number on my cell phone, I reject the call. I also reject invitations to go out and feel rather odd when I am being surrounded by people [even those I like, with 2 exceptions].. I also find myself telling someone that I want to meet them, but when I face the event, I can't wait to get away. I feel like headslapping myself.

I talk about myself too much. I tend to comment on my personal life even when someone asks for my advice, and this annoys ME. I feel like headslapping myself.

I am compulsive, therefore I have "Repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly" and "Intrusive thoughts may involve violent obsessions about hurting others or oneself" [I cannot swing in a damn swing chair if someone's near me]. Oh, and I have obsessions too. I feel like headslapping myself.

I am avoidant and often close even the messenger if someone engages in a conversation with me [and imagine this in real life]. I hate calling people and being called on the phone because I have to put on that "mask of sanity" and friendliness. I feel like headslapping myself [not really].

I can be very intollerant and acid and often people don't realize that I swear them in the face, with a smile [but I am NOT a hypocrite]. The feelings of dislike towards someone consume me very much. I am very possessive. Try to mess with something/one that I "own" and I'll really become a bastard. I am also slothy. Very.

My moods come in black and white. I'm either in a good mood or bad. There is no middle. I need a middle. I feel like headslapping myself.

Well, that's all for now. I finished picking on myself. Oh, and only I can do that. This entry is so boring. And I make no sense.

2 comments:

Michael said...

Don't worry, it's all good :) Imagine that there are people who actually listen to "maneluri" and they are proud of themselves :D

Cathryn Chaos said...

:)) absolutely adorable! this post might as well have been written by me..don;t be so hard on yourself, though. it's ok to be like this. i think