28.4.09

European Sex and Monsters


I loved the movie Eurotrip, I can say that whenever there's a chance to watch it, I'd do it over and over again. But I can't deny that although the view of the Eastern European countries is partly true [the huge grey and lifeless blocks], the part with dogs running with severed hands in their mouths and people who wash in front of the house are dramatized and overreacted.

Last night I watched a movie that I had for a while in my future watchlist, called Hostel. Overall, for watching it at 12AM, the movie has enough gore to tickle my senses and enough sex to amuse me. Sex and violence - the recipe of success. Note that my all-time favorite horror House on Haunted Hill or my all-time psychological semi-horror, the Saw Series didn't need sex to be successful, at least to me.

Now, Slovakia isn't really in Eastern Europe, but for Americans, it's the same. The movie brings that typical theory that Europe that is not France, Germany, Italy or England, hides doctor wannabes who never made it into the Med school and now chop people off with the help of the Police, vampire serial killers, conspiracy theories and poor innocent american students looking for "European Sex" have to escape this Hell on Earth.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Americans, but this view that they keep on exploiting is childish. And the view of Amsterdam is so typical, it's all about pot and whorehouses. I am surprised that Quentin Tarantino subscribed to such imagery.

Anyway, my amusement was to see an actor who played a bad guy in an episode of NCIS, here, playing a bad annoying guy. But overall, I am only going to watch the sequel out of curiosity.

25.4.09

PC Addict

I didn't FEEL the earthquake, I WAS the earthquake. :)) Aka terrorizing, terrible, destructive, obscene and constantly present. As well as I was the first in my messenger list to put a status message related to the earthquake me. That could mean, God forbid, if a burglar enters my house, I will say:

"Hey, excuse me for a second, I need to set my status message to 'BEING BURGLARIZED, I'LL BRB'!"

24.4.09

Carve Yourself


I don't have [own] a boyfriend. And if I did, I would find carving our initials/names into a tree completely REPELLING. I recently saw a journal entry from someone whose boyfriend carved their initials in a tree and she found it extremely romantic. If he did that with me, I'd have told him this:

"Imagine for a second that this tree would tie you up so you wouldn't be able to move, then tie your mouth so you'd be unable to talk and he'd start carving some stupid initials [or even FULL NAME] from the Tree-Language - which, by the way, I HOPE IS DAMN LONG AND HE'LL NEED A LOT OF CRAFTINESS TO CARVE IT - into your skin until you bleed to death. And I hope that he will realize that he made a mistake and start scratching you until he erases the initials that he carved in the first place. Other than that, I love you too. :) "

I hate these idiotic methods to show someone that you "love" them. Do you really need to wound trees or kill innocent flowers for that and be regarded as a "normal person"? Carve your initials into your skin, bleed like hell, then behead yourselves like you do to the poor flowers, now that IS "love".

22.4.09

No Man

"The minute that I see an unknown number on my cell phone, I reject the call. I also reject invitations to go out and feel rather odd when I am being surrounded by people [even those I like, with 2 exceptions].. I also find myself telling someone that I want to meet them, but when I face the event, I can't wait to get away."

This is an extract from an older entry of mine, from some days ago. Today I finally saw the movie "Yes, Man" after DiNosey gave me a link to find a good version of it. It takes a movie like this to make me realize that maybe saying Yes to certain things, it would be much better. Then again, it takes a lot of will to do so.

I am sure that I will still consider rejecting a call if I don't know the number [and probably even if I know the number and I don't feel like talking - which is 90% of the times], that I'll still shamelessly reject invitations because that feeling is too persistent to be removed in a matter of hours..

I admit my faults. I exposed them, what more can I do? The movie, anyway, is very interesting. It is one of those stories which leave you with something more than just some quotes or good special effects. Although it is regarded as a comedy [and Jim Carrey - as always - does a great performance], in its quintessence, it is rather dramatic. And which better actor can coat a dramatic situation into a funny story than Jim Carrey? :)

Some lyrics which describe my state [and not only mine.....]

I can't shut it off this thing
I've begun and
It's hard to tell
Just where it's coming from
And it's hard to see
What I'm capable of
And it's hard to believe just,
What I've become
I can swallow it down
Keep it all inside
I define myself
By how well I hide
I feel it coming apart
Well, at least I tried...
[NIN - Me, I'm not]

Hazard Thoughts


I am right here, in front of my PC, as usual when I think of rambling in this special little place called blog, or "blob" as Gibbs would say. I just lighted a cigarette and as I did that, somebody passed behind me, not sure who, but someone from the family. And a thought hit me right in that moment: they are so used to the fact that I smoke. Those days when I used to smoke in the bathroom and throw the cigarette buds in the neighbor's yard are long gone..


This thought hit me hard, considering that I am even writing about it at the moment. I would like to be able to make a "print screen" of thoughts like these and not just convey them. I admit that I'd like, for once, to be in those times when the thought of me possibly smoking was something "far away". And to add also other actions for adults as well, things which were supposed to be happening "in a long time from now".


Yeah, yeah, it's one of those monologues about aging and things related. God, I look so mad in that photo. =]

21.4.09

The End Of Nothing In Particular

College. It is the moment when it is close to the end. But the only end I feel is the end of me saying that I am in college. Call me heartless, I will agree. There is not even one friendship that I kept from this college. I wonder if the problem is me. And if it is, go to the previous entries in this blog.

I didn't have a "group of friends" like every normal person did. When I did, it was for a short period; as well as when I [thought I] had a real friend, it turned out to be bullshit. DiNosey said just some moments ago that I "give all or nothing". It's so true. But it isn't only about me here. Because I have tried. One person who came close to me, left. So I take it that even if it was supposed to happen for me to find a friend, something had to appear to fuck it up.

All I got from there were acquaintances. I can say that I have some pleasant memories as well, but most of the memories are of me going there and seeing others in groups, sitting on the stairs and listening to music, alone.

I have no sadness that I am leaving college, except for me not saying that I am a student anymore. What brought another feeling of enstrangement was the sudden change of location which occurred in the last semester. I could've at least remained with the memory of the previous place to which I went so many times, but that was taken away, too.

Thus, I leave this place, expressionless, the way I left so many things lately, with the same "state". I believe that I could've survived if I were an Equilibrium character with nothing to make me "give all".

16.4.09

Vehemence.

"The only thing that I really desired was
For you to give me a reason to hate you
And now that I have this, there is nothing to stop me
I will destroy you, as you to my psyche
For this pain is never to be forgotten"

[Vehemence - Saying Goodbye]

Hate => Indifference. Destruction => Self-destruction. [It's quite worse.] :)

"They think they know who I am."

Self-Headslapping

I wanna rant about myself. Yea', I can pick on myself, too. Why do I keep feeding my addictions? I am addicted to so many things and although these addictions are not hard drugs or alcohol, I still keep them alive. I was addicted to Burn and I can't deny that when I see a can of Burn, I feel a visceral need to drink. That drink is poison and when I used to drink two/day, along with cola and coffee, and my liver eventually pressed the alarm button, and still contemplated the idea, I felt like headslapping myself.



I don't quit smoking. I know that smoking "can kill", but I smoke like a Turk. Well, maybe not like a Turk [Abby makes me talk like this], but definitely like a heavy smoker. I feel like headslapping myself.



I fall for the wrong men. ALL THE TIME. Even now. They are either married, dead, far away, not interested, interested but not in a relationship, committed, drawings [yes I liked a drawing once], serial killers, rockstars, players, assholes, etc. Is it just me or some people are somehow destined to fall only for the wicked and the wrong ones? I feel like headslapping myself.



I have a "slight" narcissistic personality disorderproblem, disorder seems too bad. That implies:

  • has a grandiose sense of self-importance [APPLIES]
  • is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love [APPLIES]
  • believes that he or she is "special". [APPLIES]
  • requires excessive admiration [SEMI-APPLIES, I don't need it excessively]
  • has a sense of entitlement [APPLIES]
  • is interpersonally exploitative [SEMI-APPLIES]
  • lacks empathy [SEMI-APPLIES]
  • is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her [APPLIES in the first case]
  • shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes [APPLIES in my mood swings]

The minute that I see an unknown number on my cell phone, I reject the call. I also reject invitations to go out and feel rather odd when I am being surrounded by people [even those I like, with 2 exceptions].. I also find myself telling someone that I want to meet them, but when I face the event, I can't wait to get away. I feel like headslapping myself.

I talk about myself too much. I tend to comment on my personal life even when someone asks for my advice, and this annoys ME. I feel like headslapping myself.

I am compulsive, therefore I have "Repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly" and "Intrusive thoughts may involve violent obsessions about hurting others or oneself" [I cannot swing in a damn swing chair if someone's near me]. Oh, and I have obsessions too. I feel like headslapping myself.

I am avoidant and often close even the messenger if someone engages in a conversation with me [and imagine this in real life]. I hate calling people and being called on the phone because I have to put on that "mask of sanity" and friendliness. I feel like headslapping myself [not really].

I can be very intollerant and acid and often people don't realize that I swear them in the face, with a smile [but I am NOT a hypocrite]. The feelings of dislike towards someone consume me very much. I am very possessive. Try to mess with something/one that I "own" and I'll really become a bastard. I am also slothy. Very.

My moods come in black and white. I'm either in a good mood or bad. There is no middle. I need a middle. I feel like headslapping myself.

Well, that's all for now. I finished picking on myself. Oh, and only I can do that. This entry is so boring. And I make no sense.

14.4.09

Copii

N-am probleme in general cu copiii, desi imi plac foarte putini. Asta inseamna ca daca vad o poza cu un copil frumos, apreciez trasaturile, dar n-ai sa ma vezi incepand sa vociferez "vaaaaai ce scump" etc.

Insa am o problema si se pare ca, in timp, a inceput sa devina din ce in ce mai ciudata. Mi se par [aproape] oribile pozele cu copii stirbi. Cand ma uit in albumul meu de cand eram mica si vad pozele in care imi lipseau dintii, ma ia durerea de cap. Cand vad poze cu copii care rad si le lipsesc dintii, nu vad ceva dragut, nici scump, ci urat. Da, la copii, lipsa dintilor inseamna crestere, e ceva frumos etc, nu e acelasi lucru ca la 50 de ani, cand iti pierzi un dinte, dar PENTRU MINE, e scabros. Cand VAD un copil stirb care rade, ma trec fiorii.

Poate am eu probleme, nu stiu.

Sleep Paralysis

"Finally let’s look at those dreams where you think you may, in fact, not be dreaming – those experiences where you feel an evil presence is in your room or hovering near you and your heart is pounding with intense fear and you can’t move or shout out. What do these dreams or experiences mean? [...]

Dreams such as these cause your body to go into fear response, so your body releases adrenalin, your heart beats faster, you break out in a cold sweat and – often – you freeze, unable to move. These are natural physiological responses to fright. Sometimes you even wake up partially, opening your eyes while your mind is still dreaming. At this point something really interesting happens. Because your eyes are open, images of your dark bedroom are arriving at your brain at the same time as your brain is also seeing your dream, so, rather confused, your brain comes to one conclusion: all of this must be taking place out there, in the room! So you see your dream presence apparently in your bedroom. Often this is enough to completely frighten you awake and that is when the presence disappears but the sweat lives on. You may still feel the freeze and be unable to shout out or move.

Even if you don’t open your eyes, a frightening dream can sometimes jump you out of your dream too fast while your physical body is still in safe sleeping mode. Think about it: when you fall asleep you have all those active dreams but your body is more or less still, apart from the odd twitch and your rapidly moving eyes under your eyelids. This is the body’s way of going into safe mode: your muscles are quietened so that you don’t get up and act out your dreams and hurt yourself. But when your mind wakes up before your body – such as in a very frightening dream – your physical body can’t shout or move because it is still in safe mode."

[© Jane Teresa Anderson, January 2005]

Hey thank you for finally someone explaining me how this thing goes. I finally have a valid, composed explanation of sleep paralysis, state that I have been experiencing for a long time, before I ever thought that such things can exist.

Anyway, this comes because I had a terrorizing dream that I was dead, last night. I dreamt that before I died, I poked someone's both eyes with a pencil, in self defence. After that, there was a contest and although I fairly participated, the team of rich people won. I really needed the prize [I don't quite remember what it was, but I was very disturbed], so I went to the place where there were 6 or 7 white limos, waiting for each contestant. I entered one and I stayed NEXT to the driver, who had shoulder-length curly hair. As he started the car, I realized that he was taking me somewhere else, so I told him to let me go, but all he said is "No, in fact I will quite enjoy this ride" so I opened the door as the car was in full speed and I jumped.

Then I found myself already dead, but talking to the people around me. They were calming me down, telling me how they will bury me and how my body will start to decay in a few days and I was terrified. I was telling them that I don't want to die, but they told me "It's too late, you are already dead, you know..". I never really dreamt that I was dead before.

I normally don't discuss my dreams here, but this one stuck with me.

13.4.09

Hi5

I have executed my hi5 account. The people who started to make this site a promotion of social retardedness has gone too far. I don't belong to a site like that, I don't want my name associated with a site like that anymore. So don't be surprised if you get an error message. I don't really give a damn on the "acquaintances" I met there, I don't care that I had 2304 views or 4838 friends or whatever, the ones who really want, can contact me via other sources.

I really had no reason to continue using a profile that I constantly considered deleting. Therefore, it's gone. :) I just wanted to notify, so I won't be bothered with "what happened to my hi5 account" questions.

As well, my esFLOG account will be soon cleansed. I will keep only the accounts that I have "feelings" for, like the VF one, which is my most important.

12.4.09

Cold

...An abandoned house is as rejective as a corpse. It is cold, even physically, like a corpse. I have written a poem a long time ago, about an abandoned house which was in fact, a woman who lost her lover to battle, and she stayed at his grave so much, that she died of hunger. The grave was lost and later on, a house was built there. But the house eventually met the same fate, as it was abandoned and a very cold air always used to come out of it. Now that I thought about it, I will re-write that poem.

I love abandoned houses, villages, places. I love that eerie scent of old-age poetry that eludes from its windows, embraced by that cold touch. They are as cold as a corpse can be, colder than the "ambiental temperature". When I touched a corpse, it seemed colder than normal. Why is that?

Unholy

Sometimes, online life examples can really give you a glimpse in one's true nature..and in this case, it either gave me a kick in the head with a "this person is obviously illiterate" or a slight touch of "bah, nevermind".

I am often leaning toward the extremist, bastardly and violent way of questioning certain methods of perception of human beings around me. On my online forums, I am often in charge with making photo contests. Two of the exposed themes are the Seven Sins and Seven Virtues in Christian religion. There is no question about the Seven Sins entries, we always get a fake pose with a knife for Wrath or a couple kissing for Lust [as if Lust was ever only about idiot couples kissing], but whenever there's the Virtues theme...I get bludgeoned [=to hit with heavy impact].

People either post photos of the Sin or something totally unrelated, an example could be, a few days ago there was the theme: Virtue - Temperance/Self-Control. I got two entries of photos against alcohol abuse, and THREE entries with girls with bags full of food, full of alcohol, saying "I don't have the photo of the Virtue, I might as well post one of the Sin".

My question is: are you plain retarded? And if you do this online without any remorse, then you'll be one of the public mentally challenged people who will depict a Virtue through a Sin and make a horde of brainwashed "adults" blindly believe in you. I don't blame those who don't think with their mind, it is "sometimes" demanding for a primitive thing to think on its own. In a less ironic tone, I don't ask you to think because you can't, others think for you and it feels fine.

So I notice that when it comes to Sins, people can express a lot, show a lot, pose a lot. The Virtues - hard to achieve in life - are obviously hard to pose for as well. Evil is the easy way, even in a damn photo, while the good is harder even to fake. Too bad.

Here ya go:

"They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. "

Guess what that definition is for? Sociopaths. Guess to what I'd give this definition? Bullies. And guess what place in society do the bullies have? HIGH! Why? Because you worship them and follow them like sheep. They are your local glamour girls and gigolos. Notice, I asked "to WHAT" and not "to WHOM". If one feels frustrated and beats the crap out of a bully, he'll be punished and expelled and once again, the bully is the hero.

And once again, you draw a Virtue through a Sin. Their glamour and success achieved by humiliating others while posing for some sort of magazine. And it all starts from when you're young and you're "prize-winningly" stupid enough to think that it's "cool" to depict a Virtue through its opposite, to get away with it and to even be rewarded.

9.4.09

Radio si Stari


Ascult radio [din motive pe care nu prea am chef sa le scriu aici] cam in fiecare zi intre 12 si 15 in ultima vreme. Si nu vorbesc de City FM [care e postul meu preferat], ci de posturi de radio obisnuite. Posturi care dau muzica buna, sunt melodii chiar bune uneori si asta ma bucura, dar ceea ce ma cam oftica e ca dau ACELEASI melodii in fiecare zi, la aceeasi ora, in aceeasi ordine. [AKA, au un CD sau ceva :)) ]. Normal ca melodiile mai "la moda" vor fi date in fiecare zi, dar sunt atatea melodii mai vechi si bune de care ati uitat..

Sunt cateva melodii la moda care imi plac si mie, sa nu credeti ca am "ochelari" de cal. Pot asculta orice gen atat timp cat are versuri bune si o linie melodica lucrata bine, chiar daca e Rihanna sau MayheM. Insa nu prea-mi place ca nu mai schimbati putin playlistul.

Chiar ma bucur cand ascult o melodie intr-un bar sau la radio, o melodie "de mainstream" cum ar spune unii, si imi place. Inseamna ca inca mai sunt artisti care compun muzica buna. Inseamna ca inca mai e speranta, stii.. Obiectiv vorbind, acum e frenezia cu Poker Face. Parerea mea: ideea melodiei e cat de cat interesanta, n-am mai auzit pana acum o melodie in care sa se vorbeasca despre abilitatea de a-ti masca sentimentele ca la poker, insa melodia lasa un pic [mai mult] de dorit si ma intreb, daca tipa era grasa, mai avea atat succes?

Imi place, de exemplu, melodia Unfaithful a Rihannei. E trist ca n-o mai dau la radio, desi a fost in voga [nu-i asa?]. Nu imi plac [cel putin din cat am ascultat] restul melodiilor ei. Daca poti sa te detasezi de stereotipie si sa asculti ceva ce, in mod normal, lumea nu s-ar astepta sa asculti, pentru ca apreciezi o melodie buna, atunci tot respectul. La fel mi-au placut Gangsta's Paradise [Coolio] sau Viva Forever [Spice Girls] etc. Si totusi inca mai aud voci "Cum? TU asculti Coolio?".

Da, mah. Si imi da si o stare speciala, o stare pe care n-o pot gasi in heavy metal sau in darkwave. La fel cum Metallica [formatia mea de suflet] imi da o stare pe care nu poate sa mi-o dea Coolio sau BSB. Fiecare gen de muzica [cu mici exceptii pentru ca la manele oricat am incercat sa ascult cand m-au rugat unii si altii, n-am putut sa ma identific cu nici una], ofera o stare pe care, daca o cauti, n-ai cum s-o gasesti limitandu-te numai la un gen muzical. Si cum mie nu-mi place sa imi reprim anumite stari doar pentru ca n-ar da bine la status pe messenger, le ascult asa cum sunt.

Am cunoscut pe cineva care isi schimba numele la melodii ca sa nu stie nimeni ca asculta uneori pop. Merita efortul cand ai libertatea sa asculti ce vrei? Daca eram acum 20 de ani, as fi inteles, dar acum...? Chiar ti-e frica sa arati cine esti? Mereu vor fi cei care se vor lua de tine, eu patesc asta zilnic intr-o tara in care poti sa fii batut daca ai parul albastru, dar daca va ascundeti, n-o sa schimbati cu nimic mentalitatea.

Mda, sunt mai pasnica azi. O sa se schimbe. [*baiatul asta din poza canta foarte bine :) ]

6.4.09

Star Wars Joke


Hah alright, I was again looking on that forum and there were photos of sunsets and I thought, how united we are to take photos of the same sun, in all the corners of the world.

And I thought how it'd be like to be on Tatooine and to want to take a photo by the sun.

"Hey, take a photo of me in the sun."
"Which of them?"

:))))

Lame joke, but however...I laughed alone. :) [the photo OBVIOUSLY doesn't belong to me; credits: NASA/JPL-Caltech/R. Hurt (SSC).]

[W]HY?

English has received a punch in the face today when I was reading some posts in one of the VF cults [aka forums] I am in. The theme of the topic was "Last SMS you received" and one girl wrote something like this: "Hey Sawah this is Wyan, this is my number, talk l8r, wuv u".

I came to the conclusion that:

Sawah = Sarah
Wyan = Ryan
Wuv = Love

And I don't pick on the l8r. My question is why, why is this need to talk like a total retard? Why is it cool to pose with a comforter in your mouth, in a baby pose when you are over 4 years old [usually from 13 to 21]? It wasn't enough to see girls typing and talking this way, now boys too!?

Why this stupid and totally useless way of trying to be "lovely" and why so many fans of it...? And why do you write "hy" instead of "hi"? Please, explain to me. This time it is NOT a rhetorical question.

5.4.09

Nu Dau Nume, Dar Bolborosesc [*stare*]


Nu dau nume pentru ca sunt a dracu' si nu vreau sa fie asociat blogu' meu cu un nume al unui om pe care nu il plac SAU pentru ca sunt a dracu' si nu fac reclama. [Concluzia, sunt a dracu' pentru ca sunt a dracu', dar nu e chiar asa, sa stii...] Nu, blogu' meu nu e o sursa de a "face reclama" care ar interesa pe cineva [adica nu vei avea rating mai mare daca apari aici], ci orice nume aparut e considerat "reclama". Na. [Iar bolborosesc prea mult, scuze. Stii, eu am un alter ego si acum partea cealalta imi spune "Never say you're sorry, it's a sign of weakness"! - tonul vocii gros, incruntare, mainile puse cu palmele in jos pe masa :P]

Putinele dati in care dau nume sunt ori cand imi place mult cineva si atunci vreau sa "fac reclama", ori primesc vreo leapsa idioata de pe un alt blog [idioata, da, dar amuzanta, altfel nu le postez], ori persoana a debitat ceva atat de dureros incat a-i da numele nici nu mai inseamna nimic. :))

Asa ca n-am sa dau nume. Am sa ma iau de ceva, iar... Eu cand ma iau de ceva, evit doar bolboroseala de aici, adica incerc sa corelez bolboroseala de aici [m-am repetat] cu raspunsul "tu te iei, dar faci ceva in schimb?" [Daca am greseli, e pentru ca n-am dormit azi noapte.]

M-au dezamagit cativa oameni de la care ma asteptam la mai multa gandire proprie [asta include internetul].

Ori de cate ori exista o discutie despre un emo, toti bagati aceeasi replica: "dati-i lama", "unde-i lama", "vreau iarba emo care se taie singura" etc. Si nu fiti fraieri sa credeti ca iau apararea vreunui emo. Aici nu e vorba de emo, e vorba de VOI, cultilor si originalilor. Ati auzit si voi anul trecut de emo [curent care exista de ani buni] si cu toata mintea voastra sclipitoare, tot indoctrinati ati ramas, tot aceleasi replici le aruncati cu patos si razand in tampenia voastra, pentru ca la voi "tot ce zboara se mananca", HA HA HA HA HA!!!!1unu. Nu sunteti mai presus de restul; daca porti patratele = emo, clar, fara discutie, poti tu sa fii paralel cu emo si o sa auzi garla de urangutani urland dupa tine "emo!". :)

Credeam ca aveti mai mult decat tarate in cap. Ma doare in creion ca va simtiti cu musca pe caciula, simtiti-va, pentru ca oricat de mult ati refuza, voi inca mai aveti minte si va dati seama ca ati dat cu bata-n balta.

Si ma mai doare tot in creion de emo si de toate subspeciile voastre. Mai invatati si voi ca mustele sau albinele nu se mananca, desi zboara, [unele stau pe caca si pe morti si celelalte inteapa] si dupa aceea incepeti sa-i "culturalizati" si sa-i criticati pe ceilalti. Considerati-l un sfat prietenesc. :)

Si pentru cititori [inimioara roz in paranteza], na poftim o poza cu mine in pantaloni cu patratele, ca sa imi spuneti ca sunt emo si eu sa va spun ca daca eu sunt emo, voi sunteti castraveti. [New category: bolborosesc]