Happy New Year! Make it better than all the other years!


Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!


Photospection 9.0

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

It's the shadow, for it will always follow. It is dark, for you will never know its deepness. One person is missing from there, though. It has no face; you wouldn't expect the real deal, would you?


Photospection 8.0

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Well, show me where love is. It may be a good metaphor to how people trash this feeling, eh?

Azi e Ziua Nationala si voi spune La Multi Ani in romana.


Photospection 7.0

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

If this whole photospection list is only about mosts, then I am in big trouble. I am not the person to pick mosts...For me, the first place is always in threes or fours, never in ones. But look, I will choose the collection that is deeply in my heart and that I would never sell. I don't care if it's childish, because it means the world to me. Those are not all the teddies from metoyou that I own [there are about 5 that don't appear in this photo], I love them like my babies, I share good and bad with them and they keep me warm and cozy. My closest friends know very well how I turn into little hearts whenever I receive/buy/see one. I wish that all the metoyou teddies in the world were mine and somehow, I feel that they are. You can see some "blue nose friends" and random plushies amongst them.
And before someone says that they are expensive, I know they are... I collect them and in this case at least I am sending money to those who made them because they are geniuses, to me. So I can't pick just one, they're all treasured.


Photospection 6.0

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Pam Dawber. Now...guess why. And it wouldn't be a day, it'd be more like a lifetime or two lifetimes or...an infinite lifetimes. :)


Photospection 5.0

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

I cannot pick only one favorite memory. However, this photo is from one of my favorite memories, the Metallica concert from 3 years ago. It was a night to always remember.


Photospection 4.0

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

My nights are a mixture of an artsy dreaming and a playful seriousness. My nights are not to be explored or tresspassed unless invited. My nights are intimate, yet exhibitionistic, dark and yet bathing in light, alone yet surrounded by the whole world. My nights are a paradox.

[photo: Place du Tertre, Paris, 2009]


Photospection 3.0

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

NCIS is my favorite show of all times. It has changed my life in good, it has originality and it's highly underrated in my country. These guys have become like a second family and I love that they keep contact with their fans and act like they are human and not some untouchable superstars.


Photospection 2.0

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

That is my best friend, if you don't count the family. By the way, I have been awarded this prize by wind, since we're at friends:


Photospection 1.0

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

#1. I believe in Jesus, but I am not religious.

#2. I have dreams of things that I've never done, later to realize that they were exactly how I dreamt.

#3. I have been writing since I was 9, singing since I was around 4-5 and I composed a few songs.

#4. I use Photoshop as a weapon against reality.

#5. I am a smoker and don't yet have the balls to quit.

#6. I have missed a funeral in the family because I think that I have a phobia of funerals.

#7. When I want something, the Universe DOES align so I can have it, one way or another.

#8. All the men that I have dated and hurt me, ended up being hurt, in different circumstances.

#9. I have a strong relationship with my close family.

#10. The TV show NCIS along with Mark Harmon changed my life in good.

#11. I hate alcohol because I drank and felt pathetic.

#12. I have a big sex drive, but I am (very) hard to get. I don't play hard to get, I just am.

#13. I have been into photography for a few years, but I need a professional camera. [Donations? :)]

#14. I love life and hate people who kill themselves or wish to die.

#15. I am a techie.


Introspection 30.0

[Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.]

I don't need a letter to say everything that I love about myself. I love myself. If I wouldn't love myself, then who would love me? I don't want to understand all these people that keep on rambling about how much they hate themselves, how full of shit they are.

Loving yourself doesn't mean that you're a narcissist or conceited. Usually people who have a very low self esteem or are fake like to believe that. Loving yourself means respecting yourself, taking care of yourself so you can also be able to truly love someone else.

[yeah, that's my leg in the photo alright. :)]


Introspection 29.0

[Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.]

I absolutely HATE my fear of people and of speaking in public. I HATE it. I hate my tone of voice in certain situations, it seems pissed when in fact I am not pissed. I want to change my antisocial behavior towards mildly more social.. I want to be less picky...wait...I do like being picky about men...although I'm a bit too much like Procust. I want to change my family name into Harmon. :">
And since I like every opportunity to celebrate, Happy Halloween!


Introspection 28.0

[Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?]

This is one of those questions that have to face me with the event to give the sincere answer. So, what I will say now is what I THINK that I'd do: if I were pregnant, I would keep the baby because aborting the first child is dangerous. I would keep the baby and have my family help me raise him. Under no circumstances would I ever give my child for adoption. I would also get the father and make him help me. However, I'd stay away from being pregnant in the first place.


Introspection 27.0

[Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?]

My health. No matter how cliché that might sound, without that, the other good things don't matter.
[photo taken by Wind, but the idea was mine]


Introspection 26.0

[Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?]

Yes and before I answer this, I must add that suicide is one of the most IDIOTIC thing that exists in this world and everybody who has done it is a retard. I don't care if you have friends who did this, it's no excuse, it doesn't exonerate it, it is still retarded.

And actually being faced with the desire to do it made me realize how absurd it is. And the reason wasn't what most people call depression [only 1% of those had a REAL depression anyway].

This subject makes me cranky, so I won't bother to write more. Suicide shouldn't even exist and especially those retards who want to kill themselves at the subway, they all deserve to survive but be forever paralysed or fucked up for life. If you want to kill yourself, do it in your own damn home, not in a place where you block so many people from going on with their LIVES.


Introspection 25.0

[Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.]

Because of family and a good doctor when I was in a coma.
[photo taken in Monte Carlo, some years ago]


Introspection 24.0

[Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.]

Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [because it describes the situation perfectly]

Enigma - Beyond the Invisible [because it would expand his horizons about me]

Roxette - Spending my Time [because it's how I feel, sadly]

Mayhem - View from Nihil [because it's what I feel about society]

Roxette - My World, My Love, My Life [because it's him] *thanks to ni for this song.

Bathory - Song to Hall Up High [because he has to know the song behind the meaning of my tattoo]

Röyksopp - What Else Is There? [because it's electric]

It's for Mark.


Introspection 23.0

[Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.]

I wish that when we went to Norway by car that time, not to have been lazy and drive 100 more km or so and see the Northern Lights. It would've been gorgeous to do that. And I wish I kept my photos from that trip in a better place, because being on film, they got lost and for years I haven't been able to find them. I know that the memory remains, but sometimes, one needs to induce the memory with certain stimuli.
[Photo taken by Wind - Meteora 2010]


Introspection 22.0

[Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.]

I wish I didn't start smoking. But thanks to an ex-asshole who abused my 16 years old kid mind, I did. It was my fault as well, although at 16, I didn't think very much.


Introspection 21.0

[Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?]

So what if we had a fight?! She had an ACCIDENT, for God's sake. I would rush down and get her help and stay 24/7 at the hospital, regardless of her telling me to go home, no matter how big the fight could've been. If she had an accident in NFSU2 then I wouldn't mind [♥] - she has them often. Besides, whenever I fight with her and my anger management isn't right on, I regret already, during the fight, let alone after the fight.

[photo taken by Wind - Meteora 2010]


Introspection 20.0

[Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.]

I have done easy drugs and alcohol, so I won't really speak from what I've heard or seen. If you need a substance to make you have fun and to give you the status of being cool, then you're worse than those who need a car to get a girl. Those are at least pathetic to the core, they extract their own self and project their masculinity onto a car, but you stick that substance in you and claim that it's you, alright. And then, you get to the point when you puke your brains, walk worse than a baby and look like hell, not to mention not remembering anything.

And then you go to hard drugs and almost kill your parents to get a dose. So...what exactly do I think?

I remembered about the case of this girl. No need to say why or how, it's all written there. There were others who were murdered just like she was. And you wouldn't want me to be the president, I would actually shoot everybody who___ I won't write it, you get the picture, the whole picture.
[photo taken by Wind]

Introspection 19.0

[Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?]

Religion is something that should give people power, not make them act foolish and disrespectful towards other religions or beliefs or fight in a crowd over a piece of sanctified bread. That is not religion and those people are not religious, but greedy and stupid.

Politics...should be the way to maintain order, to govern, to keep peace, but what has become of that is an entire degradation.
[photo taken by Wind]



I have given up wishing happy birthdays to friends on my blog because I can personally wish them the best things in the world. However, Mark Harmon wasn't right beside me when his birthday came [09.02.2010] and he is a special friend.

I am in Greece right now, I have been to Corfu [Kerkyra] island and now I am in Thassos island and Mark's birthday was the only sunny day in Corfu. Rain chased us away back in our Thassos, let's call it a third home. :) I love Thassos, I feel like at home here, I made friends here, people that are happy to see me.

So, Mark, this goes to you, have a happy belated birthday [publically because in real life, I celebrated your birthday right then, by the sea]. You make me smile every single day, you are truly a blessing to me.

I miss my home and best friend, but there's not much left until I will be there. I'll continue the introspections, this was only a "pause" post.

By the way, I almost learnt all the Greek alphabet. Stay tuned and in a few days I will add a photo of me taken on September 2nd.



Introspection 18.0

[Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.]

They can marry, what's all this fuss? They are human and have feelings, like everyone else. Stop treating them like some sort of choleric people. Maybe a lot of you homophones should check up your ineptitude before you throw rocks at these people, you're not saints either.


Introspection 17.0

[Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.]

Friedrich Nietzsche - "Beyond Good and Evil".

And on a side note, unrelated...nevermind. You can do to my deviantart page and find out♥.


Introspection 16.0

[Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.]

Someone would be all the people that pass by me everyday and all the acquaintances, that includes all the university colleagues, or highschool colleagues and that would sum about 95% of the people I know. As about something, I could very well live without alcohol. In fact, I live without it and it's much better than using it.


Introspection 15.0

[Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.]

Well, to be honest, I never tried living without someone that I couldn't live without, so I'll go with something instead. When I realize that I could live without that person, I let them go, not before.

So, that being said, something that I've tried living without but couldn't was...oh damn, now that I think more thoroughly, there is nothing that I couldn't live without. Yes, I love my computer and cigarettes and cola and teddy bear collection, but I stayed without a PC and without cigarettes and besides being jumpy for a while, I survived pretty well. As about my teddies, I could live without them, although I'd probably cry every day.

Uh, why don't I fuckin' quit smoking then, that is the question.


Introspection 14.0

[Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.]

None of my heroes has let me down, but if Trent Reznor continues to keep me on a bed of nails, he will be on my list. I know I missed that concert and I'm angry on myself, so I'd say that we're even for the time being.


Introspection 13.0

[Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.]

That's James Hetfield and Metallica. They got me through tough days, through happy days, through everything. They're my number one. I've heard people bashing them, praising them but I have remained the same and I don't need to have every bootleg they made or know their shoe size to prove that.


Introspection 12.0

[Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.]

I almost never get compliments on my boobies and that explains: they're rather small. To be honest [and I am NOT being self-sufficient or jealous], I'd rather have them like this than botox them. If nature made me like this and an operation is rather dangerous, then all these compliments I'd get aren't worth the risk.


Introspection 11.0

[Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.]

My Photoshop skills, my eyes and my unnatural hair color - the red. I might say that I am a walking red haired photoshop with eyes.


Introspection 10.0

[Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.]

The man who makes me think of him when I listen to this song:

Waiting for a beam

To break through here

A chain way vision

All bright and clear

And they talk

And they dance

I was expecting something pure

With a golden hair

Arms full of bracelets

And smoke in the air

And they talk

And they dance

Here comes darkness

Just afternoon

Waiting for a sign

If I survive

I’ll worship the moon

Or something

This must be it

Long for bliss

First it was so quiet

Now I know I’m not alone in here

(And they talked, And they danced)

Two omens collide in my open hand

Making me a viewer

I am what I have seen

And they talk

And they dance

Your hand on my hips

Speak friendly to me

I’ve been studying for years


Is this as far as you can take me?

This must be it

Long for bliss

First it was so quiet

Now I know I’m not alone in here

(And they talked, And they danced).

[Röyksopp - This Must Be It]

I know that I should, but I can't let go of him, not just yet.


Introspection 9.0

[Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.]

My last partner. I guess the inevitable is happening and in time, we won't be talking to each other anymore and it's sad because we kept contact for a long time after I ended the relationship.


Introspection 8.0

[Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.]

All the bullies out there who, for NO reason, said mean things to me, for free, without getting ANY viable good thing out of it and merely a short satisfaction. Do you know that YOU are one of the main reasons for people committing murders or for killing themselves? Do you know that because of "jokes" like that, kids grow up to become screwed up adults or grab a shotgun and go on a killing rampage? No, it's not the tv's fault, tv doesn't give you so much rage. Do you know that your little piece of shit you call fun should be ILLEGAL because a few people realize what damage it does? I can control myself, but boy sometimes I'd love to just feel that these sick jokes would be punished by law because even if your bullying is "mild" and not stripping someone and taking them through the city, it's still scarring, you dumb pieces of shit. Read the lives of most serial killers or those who went on school shootings or a lot of most suicide cases.

Harsh language, I know, but for some reason this post brought up a lot of demons. And I KNOW that the ONLY ones who might tell me that I am overreacting are actual bullies so your opinion = fail.

Introspection 7.0

[Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.]

The family. We always set new goals and I have to say that I don't know many families who choose to spend their money on travelling instead of temporary mundane pleasures.


Introspection 6.0

[Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.]

Ahh, fears that, through such a persevering strength turn into phobias or at least in my case they do. It is almost impossible to choose one of the thoughts that have come to make my mind really cringe even as they tread on my living in the most discreet way possible. I will NOT write about not ever wanting for the loved ones to die, because that's innate. So, all that remains is not ever wanting to live all my life against my principles, against my will, in a cage far away from those I love.

And by cage you can think of a lot of meanings...


Introspection 5.0

[Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.]

I hope to meet a man to love, but by love I mean REALLY love, to die for and for him to love me back. My life revolves around love and my addiction is very powerful, like that song said:

"You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh Yeah

it’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough,

you know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love."

[Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love]


Introspection 4.0

[Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.]

It would have to be our latin teacher for failing us until the last moment all the time. Now, after centuries, I realized that I learnt some latin from her and it helps me a lot in college.


Introspection 3.0

[Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.]

I forgive myself for sometimes putting my well being in front of the death or extreme misery of others.

Oh and happy birthday to me! :D


Introspection 2.0

[Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.]

I love my perseverence. If I want something, I never give up until I get it and if I didn't get it, it means that I just got bored in the meantime and gave up. This perseverence also exists in my relationships, no matter their nature; if I really care about someone, (almost) nothing will keep us apart.


Introspection 1.0

[Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.]

My pride. Sometimes it leads me to do the most stupid things someone could do. I wish my main capital sin weren't pride; it's one of the most self-destructive sins someone could have. I think I'd be like the killer in the episode Murder 2.0 [NCIS] and when it unites with wrath, it's like a Molotov cocktail.


...out of your mind and into mine...

You know what's really cool? Getting inspired in Photoshop while listening to the Rammstein live concert through your window [that being said you won't figure out where exactly I live even if you know a general location unless you follow me; but don't do that, it's creepy]. And what's even cooler is the memory of 2 years ago's Metallica concert, when I shouted SAD BUT TRUE and the happy coincidence made it so that they played this song right then. Many of you asked me if I am going to Sonisphere and my answer was no; I wanted to answer all of you at once, here, in my blog. Sorry to disappoint. :)

However, as the title says, if you go out of your mind and into mine, I was there these two nights [especially the second night of this festival] and I am sure that I was more there than a lot of people who, quoting my best friend, will only remember the floor and the number of beers they had. I am also giving a message to fellow real "Metllica" fans who never got the chance to see them: seeing them live doesn't make you more or less of a fan. Being a fan means respecting the band, getting the message, not signing your presence at their concert. I know someone who is a real fan of a band that she's never seen live. I could have gone to this festival, I have been offered a lot of opportunities and I declined from the start not only because I have seen Metallica, but because I didn't want to go. I'd like to make it clear to whoever reads this that I don't listen to Metallica a little before and after a concert, this band is my number one at all times. So read this and I won't have to repeat myself all the time.

However, those of you who are real fans and went to this concert or simply know me well enough, I am sure that you went out of your minds and into mine and understood the purpose of my post. :) I know it was a blast, I was there...sort of.

Moving on. I know I haven't been writing here for a while and that's because sometimes, one finds himself in a moment of no inspiration. While some would force themselves into composing a sad song of lack of thought, others simply take a break. My break consisted in visual arts, NCIS marathon and other activities [following the NCIS marathon :))].

I have realized that sometimes, spiritual travelling can be much more amazing than physical. Actually, to some degree, I have forsaken my physical adventures in favor of the spiritual ones. To some degree, as stated. I don't live in Neverland and I am not schizophrenic either.

I have also realized that sometimes I need reasurrance. That's not good, but admitting the disease is one step in curing it. I also noticed that sometimes I am still stuck to appearances, but that is changing.

I will try some freewriting in the future.

[*photo taken by my best friend, modified by me.]



I have foreseen in him..the risk of being untamed. And let me tell you how fine that risk is, how pleasant and exhilarating, sometimes even sexually arousing it is...how it stirs those emotions that you have locked in a drawer somewhere, when as a child, they educated you about human and imoral.

Love...love is not a word I throw between sheets or beyond the speed limits, love is for the sacred. Love is that body that turns into smoke and no matter how insubstantial that body becomes and no matter how impossible it is to grip it, the feeling continues to rise until it becomes you, like death, only better. And then, you start to smoke every cigarette, to just have a glimpse of that feeling you've had or dreamed to have, but all of them become cancerous, leaving that bad taste in your mouth, for this smoke you are looking for cannot stem from a package...it's one of a kind.

And it wanders through music, just like a song you knew as a child, but cannot remember its name, you only recall a few notes, like a distant memory from a past life, but you cannot tell whether it was this song...or that song...or a creation of your own mind. But you, entirely tamed by the curses that they threw over your dreams, you still keep them locked, without air or light, hoping they'd die. What you forget is that they don't need neither air nor light, for as you thought that they'd lay there silent, they slowly crawled inside you, begging you to remember and they saw the same light that you saw.

After a while, it's not love that you seek anymore, but revenge. All these years turn into a deep wound that you feel at each step that you take in the opposite direction. It pulls you back, but we all know that man will always be slightly masochistic. Ceasing our dreams, refusing to live, a torture that most of us take gladly.

Society? Oh, but that's simply a handful of frustrations. Principles, morality, wealth, they all hide the inner wish, that burning desire to be acknowledged and safe. They need prejudgments to hold you down, to put the mask on your face and in some cases (the happy ones), that mask begins to asphyxiate you, and you feel it, but ignore it, the lack of air brings that rush of hallucination that makes you feel good for a while, but only for a while...and if you don't hurry, you'll panic and you won't be able to escape. In the other cases, the mask merges with your face and you become the prejudgment.

Morality...most likely, an excuse for men to have fun and women to endure. Wealth...simply creating a carton (metal or diamond) personality to the ones without a face, the simplest road to acknowledgement. Building your being is hard, buying your being is easy and after you're done, you'll continue by buying other beings.

But those are for the weak kind and if you're weak, you're never safe. Safe is for the strong. The weak need shelter, they depend on it. Take the wealth from a man and throw him in an island, with other people that don't know about it, he will be destroyed. Take the word sex out of his vocabulary and he'll be talking like a 5 year old.

But I want to be untamed so I'm unlocking my drawers.


For Each other.

Helplessly hoping her harlequin hovers nearby
Awaiting a word
Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit he runs
Wishing he could fly
Only to trip at the sound of goodbye

Wordlessly watching he waits by the window and wonders
At the empty place inside
Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams he worries
Did he hear a good-bye?
Or even hello?

They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other

Stand by the stairway you'll see something certain to tell you
Confusion has its cost
Love isn't lying it's loose in a lady who lingers
Saying she is lost
And choking on hello

They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other

[Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Helplessly Hoping]

I never thought of dividing myself, it couldn't be any other way.



I believe that once you've gotten to the point where everything is a chemical process to you, you have successfully robotized. I remember an old mistake of my life, taking a human form, telling me that love is a only chemical in the brain and I agreed, but not to the point of certainty. Of course that love has a lot to do with chemicals, we're physical after all, but as long as you cannot create LIFE out of nothing, you cannot dare to consider that everything has only a physical and chemical basis.

No, romance is not dead, but it might be dead to you. And how sad it must be to live a life of cycles and processes. How sad it should be to live without having a shiver or unexplained butterflies in your stomach, even at the sight of a photo, preferring a life of apathy and being certain that love cannot kill the demon.

I pity these people. Their life must be really boring up there in Chemicalville, thinking that everything that attracts two people is the urge to mate and mocking platonic love.

Platonic love is amazing and it's what buries all those theories about love = mating. But all these experts in love will always say that platonic love is a childish matter. I swear to you that I'd rather live all my life in platonic love than live one hour in the reign of Chemicalville. And thinking that whenever a man/woman gets close to you, it's because of your money, position or simply to screw you, then you really do think low of yourself. The funniest thing is that the people who have the lowest image of themselves give the most bitter answers to life.

I resent this mass-media that breeds its little monsters who look for what's practical, rather than what their heart always wanted and I am not talking about the need to survive... Our minds have been poisoned by the modern view of romance as a ephemeral choice rather than a way of life. The cycle is: short flirt, romance and routine. Ah, but that's so dull. Has dullness become a part of human nature? Is that why love is only surviving in novels? Well, can't all these writers be insane... Even more, romantic love is perceived as a paroxism and society breeds the utter dullness and evilness of what they call "attraction". It's all about utility. Love is not useful. Pragmatism has nothing to do with love. Love is not pragmatic, but chemical feelings are.

So, these people will enjoy their chemical marriage [that IF they ever decide to take that step], but marriage will only be a piece of paper that will confirm that a chemical process is taking place. I am not going to go easy on all these people, because they have never gone easy on me. But a blog article won't hurt the way the stinging remarks do, especially when things go bad.

"If you weren't so romantic, you wouldn't suffer."

I would rather suffer than give up on the one thing that has always killed my demons. And for all the "rejectors" of human nature, watch this film that has always been one of my favorites: here. Maybe you'll learn something.



I didn't want to write anything right now, but I was challenged to make an edit based on a tutorial and the outcome surprised me..I love when you start with something, but end up with something else, completely different and better than you expected.

Have I become the virus, the disease of my own self or the cure? Have I covered my eyes, to blind myself from seeing my own disintegration; and my nose, to protect me from breathing not something from the outside, not the smoke of sickness, but my own being? It has become what I feared. This is my analogy. A gasmask should protect one from inhaling deadly gas, but what if that deadly smoke has become you? What if it is not a smoke caused by a fire, but by your inner fire? What if you burned so much that you are the one that destroys yourself?

I can protect myself from danger, but you must protect me from myself. I have become the virus that I feared, the world that I sold, the hate that I fed, for you become what you resent. It's a choice and that choice becomes you.

...Or maybe I am the antibody, behaving like the virus itself, pretending I am what I cannot inhale, so I can fight it. What is the antidote for rage...?

[model: me; edit: me; credits on the photo.]


You don't know.

I don't understand how some people [especially girls, unfortunately] think that swimming is not a sport and more, when I have this conversation with them and I mention swimming amongst sports, they make the most stupid expression and ask "is swimming even a sport?".

No, dear, it's not a sport, it's totally sedentary.

What brain does she have to not consider swimming a sport? At least if she doesn't know, she shouldn't ask with a tone that suggests that I am being an idiot for considering it the way it should be. But this is off-topic.


Another thing that I resent is being judged without being known. I'm not talking about complete strangers, because I don't have expectations from them, but about people that meet me on a more or less regular basis, but give themselves the priviledge of judging my actions or non-actions in a worse manner than I'd permit a parent to do it. Their so-called morality is being force-fed and "butt-stuck" inside me and hearing them roar makes me look entirely villain, reckless and carefree.

I never understood why some people really need to make my lifestyle their own. I don't take drugs, I don't drink (anymore), I got to the point where I resent even the smell of alcohol, I work and get paid, even if how I get paid and what I work on might not be considered a "serious" job by others, but guess what? I will work all my life. They don't need to make me look like a slothy kid just because I don't work during my Masters. Just because they work doesn't mean that if I may not be in tune with the "important" matters in life, such as homework for instance, or my future job, I am carefree, spoiled and reckless. I don't get this need that some people have to place their own frustrations upon others.

If you are one of those students who don't have a job and get bullied constantly for being "careless", don't worry, your job will kick their asses and that's because when your time will come, you will know what you want to do.

As well, I am not talking about poor people here or those who have a job because they want/have to be employed, but about people who use their job as a weapon, as a plus, as an "I'm so much better and reliable than you, I am building my own life, what do you do all day?" I have a retort to that: "Oh, boo-hoo." A job is not a weapon, a job is a job. This applies as well for relationships: you don't date someone to be in tune with society, you date because you like/love/want that someone.

No matter how much some people want to seem independent and above all, using tricks like these throws them right at the bottom. They don't know what I do when they're not around, I could be training to enlist in the Marine Corps for all I care and judging me based on their ideas will only make my reality more parallel with theirs. :) [si ca bancul cu benzina]



Spring is beautiful. I often like to consider each season to be like a part of a spectacle, a rather natural spectacle. Aren't we all so fascinated by its beginning, although every beginning is a past moment, reborn into the next one; it's like it holds a fingerprint of time itself, captured in that moment of singular attention. Spring is rebirth and if there's nothing that can be reborn, it recreates, no matter how impossible that might be to create.

I always felt that when I knew that someone had just died, all my senses increased, as if drugs pumped through my veins. The light seemed brighter, the breeze felt softer, the whole life inside of me felt even more alive. The death of that person didn't just mean that a new life was born, but that my life itself was reborn somehow, in a way I couldn't really convey.


The Sex Addict and the Addiction

Yield to your sins with pride and great honor, embrace them and make them define you. Yet, no matter how pathetic this yielding may look, you still dare to consider me one of the damned.

Well, you see...there's the first case: the people who enjoy to publicly lament about their "lack" of sex; usually that abstinence lasts from 1 week to a month or two. This turns into their personal tragedy. If you need to tell the world that you're going to have such a hard time because you don't get laid for such a short period of time, I should get a pickhammer and show you the real deal. Believe me, you can survive with abstinence and to be frank with you, being so dramatic makes you a big failure. Maybe if your sex life was compromised forever due to a disease or something, then your lament would be fairly understood/approved. You know what? You don't have a sex life and complaining about its lack gives you a short ego boost, that usually makes for juicy "news".

Then there's the second case: the not-so-self proclaimed "sex addicts". Psyeah! And yes, I will pick on David Duchovny, although I like his acting. You're no "sex addict". There's no such thing as a sex addict: an addiction is more serious than this, an addiction can lead to widthdrawal shock and even death and I'm pretty sure that you don't start seizuring if you don't get "it on". You all like to put on this mask of "studness" to impress people. Just stick to your job and spare us from the "sex addict" BS. Jesse James isn't a "sex addict" either, he just likes to sleep with many women, uncontrolled and if you ask me, it's sad to not be able to control yourself. I am pretty sure that if all of you "sex addicts" out there were stranded on an island and would need to survive, not having sex would be the last thing on your mind. BUT, heroine widthdrawal would give you a hard time. You might moan a bit about the lack of cigarettes, but you'd start to starve and you'd give that up, too. You'd light up sticks and hold them like cigarettes for a while, but then you'd be too hungry and thirsty to give a shit. With alcohol there might be a problem, so you'd pray you can find some fruits and ferment them for a while, but your muscles would hurt too much and you'd start banging your head against the floor. But with sex...? You won't start fucking a tree or an animal, be sure of that. You'd probably fuck yourself, but that's not sex...isn't it? :)

So, a man who has sex all the time is a "sex addict" [which sounds scary, manly, studly, amazing], but a woman who has lots of sex is a "nympho". Really?.. And why is that exactly, because "women were created to make children and men, to spread the seed"? Then why was woman given the possibility to have an orgasm - to make better children? Yes, one could say that, biologically speaking they say that it makes for a better conception, but leave it to that. Whoever came up with such a way of describing women that enjoy sex more than "usual" is an idiot.

I said that my blog posts won't be ranting so much as before, but I've been fed over and over again with "news" about sad "abstinent" people and the most disturbing one was the huge sacrifice that some couples made the past week. One whole week without sex, who could survive?... Well, some of them abstinent people are truly survivors for lasting more than 12 months without sex and not collapsing into a terrifying seizure of...no-sex-widthdrawal-syndrome, y'know? They are truly martyrs, the children of the apocalypse, who survived the probably most "flesh-eating" pain...abstinence.

No, you cannot comment this entry. Yes, I am a coward/I like to have the last word/I am all you want me to be.