31.1.10

Play


Ohh, look at him play..! Summer...I miss summer. I miss the freedom of summer. This guy had such a nice way of playing, it was a pleasure to just watch him enjoy.

I'm a water person. In fact, I'm a combination of fire and water. People say that I am not mature.


I believe it's more mature to admit to yourself and the rest that you enjoy doing such things (and others), rather than putting on a mask of maturity that only serves you wrong. What does maturity have to do with playing games or collecting toys? That is not maturity, that is a form of levelling to a "principle" that nothing that inspires childhood is cool.

Well, childhood is the most beautiful part of life, or if not, it is supposed to be. That doesn't mean that one should act childish at an old age, but to not be ashamed of a passion that doesn't fit the standards of society.


Look at him play..to some it seems so lame, but I felt so good to watch him. He was one with water and me. :)

30.1.10

I'm Blue


I'm blue. I'm not sad or anything of the sort; my state of blues is more related to the typical melancholy that strikes me whenever I catch my breast breath. There's no real explanation to why it comes, but it is sometimes as repugnant as a foul smell.
I blame it on the weather. My feelings have been put to a(nother) test, so it seems. I like and dislike it at once. I might committ, but I have forgotten how that feels and meanwhile I have become too damn independent. I think I'm becoming Gibbs. He's committing, too, so it seems. You never know with these things. I do leave it all to chance.
I feel good now. Except for a sudden hunger, it's all good. Last night I watched an intervention documentary about bulimia. I'm so glad I don't have any of these diseases. To say that your disease defines you and to embrace it and accept it, when you can escape it, that is frightening.
I assume you missed my random rambling, I saw some people lurking on my page. Well, this is a random rambling, aka free-writing. I am careless enough to post it on the internet, yet I don't allow my mind to free-write at its 100% capacity, otherwise I'd be banned.
My mind works in images. I see everything in a digital veil.
I miss writing. I must restart it, after so much time. I always say...tomorrow. One day, tomorrow will be today and I will write, just not...today, not now.
Ask me some questions here, I don't care who you are, just ask away. :)
*unedited photo, 2007.

28.1.10

Affirmation


I have noticed something that people often do that ticks me off really bad. I should add that I am not self-sufficient or easily pleased, so this is not the reason why it happens.

It happened today, as well and I made a test to see if people do it again and they did, so it kind of filled the glass.

Whenever I say that I have accomplished something, anything, from managing to figure out how to install a program, to deciding to watermark all my photos, to finding out a new technique in editing a photo or an animation, someone HAS TO COME and say: "Oh, let me recommend you a better thing to do" or "Oh, but instead of watermarking them like this, you could steganograph them" (yeah, I would like to do that), or "Oh, but I do it so much easier, let me tell you" etc.

Look, I don't CARE. All I said was that I was glad that I discovered something and all I'd like to hear from you is either "Good for you" or nothing at all! I don't want to know a better way or an easier way or whatever. I just let you know that I am glad with what I've achieved. You don't have to come and tell me how much better your suggestion is.

When I ask for a suggestion, then it's different. Then I WANT you to tell me.

Today I was happy that we managed to add more space on my C:/ drive and of course, someone had to come to tell me how to build I don't know what external power source, whatever. I don't fucking care, all I wanted to tell you is that I am glad that my system has more space.

People have such an urge to affirm themselves, to show off with how awesome they are that they often forget the difference between asking a suggestion and just stating an event.
*photo taken in Italy, 2009.

7x13

25.1.10

Circuits


My mind was a circuit between his and the unknown. It painted floors so we could walk in our dreams and not fall into reality. Reality has become that form of debauchery of the highest forces, meant to destroy all that seemed to be creative in me. I used to believe that the highest forces don't know about self-defilement. I was wrong. They do get laid with their own power sometimes. And I don't talk about Jesus here. Jesus is way beyond everything.

Reality has depleted me for all these years, trying to convince me that its way is the righteous way. It had a powerful argument against any desire of withdrawal from its temple (disgusting and addictive): people. People are rancid by nature; their bodies start to stink effortlessly and so does their mind. Their mind casually begins to rot in a carcass of inactivity whilst in a world not dominated by a wicked so-called "morality", nothing ever fades, rots or seems redundant. I do not take orders from a society that has been trying to dispel me of my innerself or of anything that ever made me who I am as I do not feel obliged to respect any code of conduct that has only been imposing the most hypocritical set of rules that one could imagine.

I haven't been writing in euphemisms lately. Maybe it's because I didn't give a damn lately. You might say that I live in this society, thus I must abide by the rules. I say, I might live in this society, but that doesn't mean I live in it. Just because I live here instead of being in a secluded forest miles away from "humanity" doesn't mean that my set of rules matches yours (and by yours I speak generically).

In simpler terms: I do not bow to an unwritten law that says that being a prostitute is degrading, for example, but being the slut of some rich guy and flashing your tits on every reflective surface is admirable (this is merely an example).

22.1.10

Pregnant/Frantic



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No, I am not pregnant, but a lot of the girls I've met online and offline are. Almost everyday I am rather "shocked" to find out that one of the people I've been talking to is scheduled to deliver soon. And yeah, this is my blog and I do have the right to judge whoever I want. Most of them are 19ish, their puberty zits still haven't passed and they dream about being mothers.

I am starting to feel awkward by NOT being pregnant nowadays. Why is this tendency to rush everything in life? What will you say new about yourself when you'll be 30 [looking like 60]? Some of these girls are indeed happy to be mothers and I won't be hard on them, although I still find it rather irrational to waste the time when others take care of you, when you can go for a week in the mountains without having to look after a child.

Or, I could just satisfy my own rant by saying that this generation IS degenerated and end the discussion. Counter-arguments? Plenty, I assume. Please, do tell, that might change my opinion if they're strong enough.

And then there's the horde of brainless things that MUST have their wedding on Valentine's Gay. I am not amused. I am bothered, for there has never been a Single's Day. I celebrate Single's Day and give the various reasons to which being single is better than dating someone just to date. I look around me and see so many people that engage in a relationship only to have somebody.

To quote Crazytown [since it's the closest example I can come up with right now]:



Girl, you’re not the one.
You’re just a one night fling.
Some ass to hold this casanova over.
Till the right girl pass,
I’ll drop this lifestyle fast.
Cuz what I’m really looking for
Is the one will last
And make my present past.



Being single is a condition that a few people can endure, especially in a world of commercialized feelings, of hearts made of paper [and plastic for the Romanian version] and marriages built on the 10 seconds to Mars [or 4,5, it depends on each person's "potency"]. But I consider being single instead of being with a low-life to fit in as one of the supreme acts of freedom, love-wise and maybe not only. Freedom should be the absence of constraints, right?

And I play my own tunes, my own harmony. :)

But love...love is something unearthly. Ahh, and I have become too "hard-to-get". I needed to say that. :)

19.1.10

Should.

What should I write?... It was a day that looked like night and this voice sounded in my head.

Should I write about the stars...or about the things I miss? Should I tell you what I've been doing 2hr36min ago or should I speak in years? I don't regret sleeping with ghosts. Should I write about terror and misfortune? And if I face my heart, will I be able to speak to it or it'll die in my hand? Should I write about... I hate being alone in this room, there's someone behind me all the time.

I will get back to the daily mundane ranting, but for some reason, whenever I come here, I feel rather esoteric.

15.1.10

Detach



I have always enjoyed the feeling of walking on the street and seeing something or feeling a scent that brings the EXACT state of a previous experience. It feels as if a part of me has been cloned to that time, good or bad and it's reliving that moment from a different perspective, maybe a more enlightening one. I got addicted to it, but what's funny is that I cannot control it. It just comes and fades, like a shiver. I could say that it's pretty much like erection when you're very young, but I'd be too explicit, eh?..

It comes with strength and pallor, both at once, in vivid and faded colors and states of minds, it swipes me off my feet. I used to call it "life-is-boring" whenever I had it, when I was a child, but it had NOTHING to do with boredom. I have no idea what made me give it such an odd name, maybe it's because I had it only when I used to look at concrete walls.

Now, it's everywhere and it mostly comes when I look through the tree branches, emptied of leaves and I remember about that place. I used to look at branches back then, too and somehow, I knew that the moment will come and I'll only meet that place in one of these clone states.


I like to believe that I live in another dimension.


*I didn't abandon this blog, I just hated the new editor. Now I switched it back to the oldskool one and I'll be back. Oh, and hi, Rocky. :)

9.1.10

7x11